Cinematic splendor, right here in my own home!

The lovely Mrs. Shoehead and I, still enjoying the lack of cable TV in our lives, have been on a DVD-watching frenzy. Yesterday’s viewings—“Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns”, and “Little Children”. We found “Browns” amusing, in the typical Tyler Perry vein. He re-uses some of his elements in several of his offerings, which is fine—he’s trying to deliver a message as well as entertain. We were treated to the same characters, the struggling single mom, the deadbeat dad, the promising basketball player son that gets hospitalized by a drug deal shooting, etc. As Tyler’s films are always funny, heartwarming, and full of good values, the House of Shoehead was pleased and entertained. As such, I hereby promise, that I will never be a deadbeat dad, on the off chance my son will grow up to be a 16-year old NBA first draft pick. Amen.

“Little Children” was a different story. The DVD came in on our Netflix and we both looked at each other and wondered “Who added this one to the queue?” Then I realized that it was I who added this flick, noticing that this was the movie that featured the cinematic return of Jackie Earle Haley (No, not Haley Joel Osment). For you 40-something pop culture geeks, he was “Kelly Leak” in the monumental “Bad News Bears” movie from 1976. So I’m the culprit for wasting over two hours of mine and the Lovely Mrs. Shoehead’s lives, which we’ll never get back. First off, the movie was long, and painfully slow. You could have cut the movie in half, and still gotten the “story”. Kate Winslet played Sarah, a self-absorbed do-nothing housewife, who starts an affair with Brad, played by some guy, who’s a delusional do-nothing househusband. These two idiots actually had the temerity to include their toddler children in their infidelities, letting them play together while they got “busy”! A side story to these escapades is Jackie Earle Haley as a released sex-offender in the neighborhood, and a disgraced ex-cop (played by some other guy) who’s obsessed with tormenting him and his mom. Actually, in the whole film, the perv and his mom are the only characters I felt any sympathy or pathos for. Especially the mom, who really didn’t ask for any of this nightmare. She’s harassed to a breaking point and finally dispatched when the ex-cop knocks her to the ground, and she goes into cardiac arrest. Then, instead of the revenge ending I was craving, (I envisioned a pre-dug grave up in Maine for the ex-cop) we get a redemption in ex-cop Larry when he drives the self-castrated perv to the emergency room. Throughout the film, it was suggested the perv be castrated, so it was a self-fulfillment. Meanwhile, our cheating couple decided to stay in their marriages after all. Aaaah, all is right with the world. We did get to see Kate Winslets boob, (nipple and all!) and she did have some sexy blue toenail polish, which I like, but otherwise, I wish I could somehow get those two hours back…